I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
