watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
tell your sister to shave her snatch
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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