i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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