fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i think i have two assholes
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
