She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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