If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
