I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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