sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
