if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Ladies don't puke and tell
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize