i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
