he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
