Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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