I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
