Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize