my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
