So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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