just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
