I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She's the barista slut.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Randomize
