Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
