I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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