I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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