First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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