Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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