the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
