if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
