allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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