My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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