its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
