She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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