Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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