Please, let me fuck your mom
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
