If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
