Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
