Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
