We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
