Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
