I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
