my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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