we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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