Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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