did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize