he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Did you just see the Batmobile???
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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