That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
She needs sedatives and a leash
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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