i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I need a beard to bite.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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