dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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