Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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