My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
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