Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
