And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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