Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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