I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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