i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
