I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
