I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
