oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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