The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
