another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
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