then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
