I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
